JDK 6 jinfo and com.sun.management.HotSpotDiagnosticMXBean both allow you to get the value of a VM flag. -Xss is translated in a VM flag named ThreadStackSize.
Run jinfo -flag ThreadStackSize <pid>
or run jconsole <pid>
Go to MBeans tab -> select com.sun.management.HotSpotDiagnosticMXBean
then click on Operations node of HotSpotDiagnosticMXBean
then enter the name of the VM flag in the getVMOption operation which will return you the value of the flag.
Check out more details from the Java SE 6 monitoring and management article:
http://java.sun.com/developer/technicalArticles/J2SE/monitoring/
Hope this helps.
Mandy